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Monthly Archives

August 2017

Really Strange Things That You Can Buy (these actually exists…we checked)

By | Mostly Useless Information | No Comments

For when you have all the conventional things that you need.

We have compiled this list of strange things that are actually for sale, that you can actually buy, and actually have, that actually exist. We couldn’t make this stuff up.
 Alright, we are completely aware that some of this stuff we completely made up the names (and possibly full out descriptions and uses) for because, well, it made this more fun for us to write. But trust us! Whatever they actually are they do exist.

1. Creepy finger hands

(for your fingers on your hands)

Do you know somebody who hasn’t had a good old fashioned night terror for a few years? Well slide these creepy little suckers on to each of your fingers and wiggle them around a bit. Just the sheer heebie jeebie level caused by this sight guarantees your friend won’t be able to sleep for a week!

2. The Baby Depressor.

(because the only thing cuter than a happy baby is a depressed baby)

Tired of that baby smiling and laughing all the time?

Is it about time your baby feels the stress and depression of the real world?

Do you want your baby to experience a full blown existential crisis during which he/she questions the very foundation of life?

Welp! Apparently, here is your answer!

3.

Handerpants.

(These uh… This is what they are.)

4. Foot Powered Bicycle.

(why does this even exist you ask?)

Have you ever been riding your bike along and realized how silly it is?

Do you wish there was a way you could keep both of your feet free of those pesky pedals and not be sitting down but still moving in a direction?

How many times have you joyfully been coasting down a hill and thought to yourself  “Man, there’s gotta be a much less convenient and fun, and much slower way to get around?”

 

Or maybe you’ve asked yourself, “how can I have all of the physics of just walking but none of the worthwhile parts of a bicycle while still having a bicycle?”

 

Well get you a load of this Bad Boy!!!

5. These are umm… These are Cat Butt Coasters.

(there, i said it)

Oh, they’re handmade, so there’s that.

6. Squeez bacon!

(Let me say that again… SQUEEZ BACON!)

(You guys… This is Bacon that you squeeze out of a freakin’ bottle! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?)

 

I’m giving you guys solid gold here! 

 

Okay, okay if you really NEED more explanation, here’s the low down. It was developed by a Swedish restaurant owner after WWII or something. By precooking it and blending it in a special way, he was able to make a fully cooked 100% bacon paste that could be squeezed from a tube.

7. Super Covert Umbrella.

(they will never notice you there)

Got some light stalking to do but your dang face keeps blowing your cover? Bam! With the Super Covert Umbrella you can move around freely and nobody will ever notice you are even there!

 

This genius design camouflages your head and shoulders in an ultra unnoticeable giant yellow half bubble! It’s as if you’re not even standing there!

 

What’s more, it comes fully equipped with its own built in peaking window and complimentary snorkly shaped topper thingy. Why? Because you like to peak around a little but still have a playful sense of humor, that’s why! 

8. Pre…Muddied…Jeans.

(This is not a joke… I repeat, THIS IS NOT A JOKE.)

(I didn’t believe it either but after very little searching I found them and they are absolutely real. So I guess here’s my pitch…)

I might say this instead: Do you accidentally make a ton of money in a cushy lifestyle but still want to look like you still work hard sometimes? These are your jeans.

Do you have $400 in your nice clean pocket but want to feel like $400 is actually $400? Slide into a pair of these wonder jeans I’d say: and you’ll instantly look and feel like you could really use that $400 back.  You know, that $400 that you just spent on Pre-Muddied jeans rather than on something far more important like bills… or food.

Are you wearing a pair a squeaky clean blue jeans right this very moment and are wondering how it is that all these guys you see walking around get that worn in, dirty look that you admire so much?

Welp! Here is it. The secret’s out now!

And Last But Not Least

Pizza Gettin’ Scissors.

(because they look like way less could go wrong than the old “slice THEN get” method)

As the old saying goes, if there are two separate tasks that you somehow find daunting to do individually, combining them will almost certainly make them easier.

And Finally! Here are some products that are ACTUALLY worth spending your money on...

Step up your ‘Merican-ness

By | Terrible Advice | No Comments

So you think you’re pretty ‘Merican do ya?

Sure you may like to camp, own a grill and be overly suspicious of the government. Shoot, you may even know one or two lines from the Constitution, but it’s time you step it up into the big league kiddo. Follow these rules and you will be flexing your ‘Merican-ness like Steve Austin after a Stone Cold Stunner on the 4th of July.

1. “I Love This Country.”

(The ‘Merican Mantra)

(Never miss a chance to say this. No matter how big or small the reason for your overwhelming profusion of patriotism)

Execution:

Anytime your are enjoying anything that’s going on at any moment = “I Love This Country.”

2. Eat Food.

(Eating Is Not A Game)

‘Mericans Eat. It’s what we do. Contrary to popular belief however, you can also be a healthy eating ‘Merican if you do it properly. Whether you’re traditional or the new style here are some tips to help out.

Traditional ‘Merican: – If it’s meat, cheese, bread, fried or bbq’d… Eat it as if there is a contest going on.
New Style ‘Merican: – Know exactly where every calorie comes from that you are putting into your body and it’s specific purpose for being there..

Note: New Style ‘Merican’s tend to eat just as much if not more that the Traditional ‘Merican. Even carrying around bags and Tupperwares full of food everywhere they go is not uncommon.

EXTRA CREDIT: WHENEVER ANY AMOUNT OF FOOD SHOWS UP IN A PUBLIC PLACE ALWAYS SAY “LOOKS GREAT, WHAT ARE THE REST OF YOU GONNA EAT!?”   (ex. all the food for a table at a restaurant, food at a barbecue is ready, catering at a wedding)

P.S. That’s two Ron Swanson’s in a row!!! There is no way my day is getting any better!

3.

Use Fuel.

(Lots and lots of fuel)

4. Always be wearing AT LEAST one version of the American Flag.

(If you’re not already doing this… I have no words)

 

This one is simple. If it by any stretch of the imagination represents the flag of our great country, put it on immediately.

Keep scanning your environment at all times for additional Old Glory adorned attire.

There’s really no limit here. Let er rip!

5. Have Guns. Many Many Guns.

(The key words here are Many and Many)

Okay Listen, I am very aware that you can only really operate one gun at a time (in some cases two). If your ‘Merican level is really up there you might be set up to carry even two or three and extra ammo for all of them…
This is not the point.

You need to have far more guns than you “need” or could even carry around with you at the same time if you really want to reach that top tier of ”Merican-ness.

6. Take up as much space as possible.

(It’s the ‘Merican Way)

Here are some ways of accomplishing this goal:
1. Huge house – Walling in far more space than you and your family needs shows your importance level.

2. Big stretch of land out in the country – Not into a big house? That’s okay, buy a ton of land for you to hunt and fish and grow crops on. (It’s really not important if you actually hunt or fish or grow crops)

3. Big A$$ Truck – Don’t have the means to isolate yourself in miles of walls or fence? Get a giant truck. Problem solved. [helps greatly with #3]

4. Great Big Body – Nothing says ‘Merica more than the physical occupation of space itself.

And there you go! Just like that you can step up your ‘Merican-ness to masterful levels while showing pride in The Greatest Nation on Earth!

Check out these freakin' awesome 'Merican Made products!