So you think you’re pretty ‘Merican do ya?
Sure you may like to camp, own a grill and be overly suspicious of the government. Shoot, you may even know one or two lines from the Constitution, but it’s time you step it up into the big league kiddo. Follow these rules and you will be flexing your ‘Merican-ness like Steve Austin after a Stone Cold Stunner on the 4th of July.
1. “I Love This Country.”
(The ‘Merican Mantra)
(Never miss a chance to say this. No matter how big or small the reason for your overwhelming profusion of patriotism)
Anytime your are enjoying anything that’s going on at any moment = “I Love This Country.”
2. Eat Food.
(Eating Is Not A Game)
‘Mericans Eat. It’s what we do. Contrary to popular belief however, you can also be a healthy eating ‘Merican if you do it properly. Whether you’re traditional or the new style here are some tips to help out.
Traditional ‘Merican: – If it’s meat, cheese, bread, fried or bbq’d… Eat it as if there is a contest going on.
New Style ‘Merican: – Know exactly where every calorie comes from that you are putting into your body and it’s specific purpose for being there..
Note: New Style ‘Merican’s tend to eat just as much if not more that the Traditional ‘Merican. Even carrying around bags and Tupperwares full of food everywhere they go is not uncommon.
EXTRA CREDIT: WHENEVER ANY AMOUNT OF FOOD SHOWS UP IN A PUBLIC PLACE ALWAYS SAY “LOOKS GREAT, WHAT ARE THE REST OF YOU GONNA EAT!?” (ex. all the food for a table at a restaurant, food at a barbecue is ready, catering at a wedding)
P.S. That’s two Ron Swanson’s in a row!!! There is no way my day is getting any better!
(Lots and lots of fuel)
4. Always be wearing AT LEAST one version of the American Flag.
(If you’re not already doing this… I have no words)
This one is simple. If it by any stretch of the imagination represents the flag of our great country, put it on immediately.
Keep scanning your environment at all times for additional Old Glory adorned attire.
There’s really no limit here. Let er rip!
5. Have Guns. Many Many Guns.
(The key words here are Many and Many)
Okay Listen, I am very aware that you can only really operate one gun at a time (in some cases two). If your ‘Merican level is really up there you might be set up to carry even two or three and extra ammo for all of them…
This is not the point.
You need to have far more guns than you “need” or could even carry around with you at the same time if you really want to reach that top tier of ”Merican-ness.
6. Take up as much space as possible.
(It’s the ‘Merican Way)
Here are some ways of accomplishing this goal:
1. Huge house – Walling in far more space than you and your family needs shows your importance level.
2. Big stretch of land out in the country – Not into a big house? That’s okay, buy a ton of land for you to hunt and fish and grow crops on. (It’s really not important if you actually hunt or fish or grow crops)
3. Big A$$ Truck – Don’t have the means to isolate yourself in miles of walls or fence? Get a giant truck. Problem solved. [helps greatly with #3]
4. Great Big Body – Nothing says ‘Merica more than the physical occupation of space itself.