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Terrible Advice

Step up your ‘Merican-ness

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So you think you’re pretty ‘Merican do ya?

Sure you may like to camp, own a grill and be overly suspicious of the government. Shoot, you may even know one or two lines from the Constitution, but it’s time you step it up into the big league kiddo. Follow these rules and you will be flexing your ‘Merican-ness like Steve Austin after a Stone Cold Stunner on the 4th of July.

1. “I Love This Country.”

(The ‘Merican Mantra)

(Never miss a chance to say this. No matter how big or small the reason for your overwhelming profusion of patriotism)


Anytime your are enjoying anything that’s going on at any moment = “I Love This Country.”

2. Eat Food.

(Eating Is Not A Game)

‘Mericans Eat. It’s what we do. Contrary to popular belief however, you can also be a healthy eating ‘Merican if you do it properly. Whether you’re traditional or the new style here are some tips to help out.

Traditional ‘Merican: – If it’s meat, cheese, bread, fried or bbq’d… Eat it as if there is a contest going on.
New Style ‘Merican: – Know exactly where every calorie comes from that you are putting into your body and it’s specific purpose for being there..

Note: New Style ‘Merican’s tend to eat just as much if not more that the Traditional ‘Merican. Even carrying around bags and Tupperwares full of food everywhere they go is not uncommon.

EXTRA CREDIT: WHENEVER ANY AMOUNT OF FOOD SHOWS UP IN A PUBLIC PLACE ALWAYS SAY “LOOKS GREAT, WHAT ARE THE REST OF YOU GONNA EAT!?”   (ex. all the food for a table at a restaurant, food at a barbecue is ready, catering at a wedding)

P.S. That’s two Ron Swanson’s in a row!!! There is no way my day is getting any better!


Use Fuel.

(Lots and lots of fuel)

4. Always be wearing AT LEAST one version of the American Flag.

(If you’re not already doing this… I have no words)


This one is simple. If it by any stretch of the imagination represents the flag of our great country, put it on immediately.

Keep scanning your environment at all times for additional Old Glory adorned attire.

There’s really no limit here. Let er rip!

5. Have Guns. Many Many Guns.

(The key words here are Many and Many)

Okay Listen, I am very aware that you can only really operate one gun at a time (in some cases two). If your ‘Merican level is really up there you might be set up to carry even two or three and extra ammo for all of them…
This is not the point.

You need to have far more guns than you “need” or could even carry around with you at the same time if you really want to reach that top tier of ”Merican-ness.

6. Take up as much space as possible.

(It’s the ‘Merican Way)

Here are some ways of accomplishing this goal:
1. Huge house – Walling in far more space than you and your family needs shows your importance level.

2. Big stretch of land out in the country – Not into a big house? That’s okay, buy a ton of land for you to hunt and fish and grow crops on. (It’s really not important if you actually hunt or fish or grow crops)

3. Big A$$ Truck – Don’t have the means to isolate yourself in miles of walls or fence? Get a giant truck. Problem solved. [helps greatly with #3]

4. Great Big Body – Nothing says ‘Merica more than the physical occupation of space itself.

And there you go! Just like that you can step up your ‘Merican-ness to masterful levels while showing pride in The Greatest Nation on Earth!

Check out these freakin' awesome 'Merican Made products!

Master the Fine Art of Passive Aggression

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Fine, Whatever.

We both know that you are already practicing passive aggression but it’s high time you stop simply practicing. Hone your skill and begin your journey of executing this delicate yet wildly effective art form. Follow these simple steps and you will join the ranks of the passive aggressive masters. Or do whatever you want, I don’t really care.

1. “Just Kidding.”

(the most powerful tool you have)

(If you learn nothing else from this remember these two words)


Simply put, you can insult anyone down to the very core of their existence and immediately follow it up with “Just Kidding” and boom you are off the hook. The damage is done and they will almost certainly spend the rest of the day questioning themselves and their very value to the world while you walk away scot-free and unscathed likely forgetting about the interaction almost immediately. 

2. Leave Notes.


Yes, we know this one seems cliche and obvious but that’s for good reason. This is the very foundation on which passive aggression is built.

The artistry in this skill lies within this. Only leave a note about a very small mistake or annoyance that could quite easily be corrected with a simple conversation of which you have plenty opportunities to initiate.

By leaving a note instead of talking you effectively turn a mole hill into a mountain. Here is the wonderful part, you are free of backlash because you’re not even there once the blow is delivered! Oh The Glory!!!!


“Fine, Whatever”

(Jut say this. All of the time.)

4. Do favors for people but make them feel bad about it.

(takes some work but has a big pay out)


A two step process that is 100% worth it.

Step 1

Agree to do any favor for your intended target. Sometimes you will have to almost force yourself into the situation.

(ex. Target – “Man, I’m stressed out cause I have to take my dog to the groomers and I’m short on time today.” You – INSIST on taking the dog to the groomers cause you’re already going that way.)

Step 2

Find a way to make your target feel bad about how inconvenient that was for you thus reflecting how inconvenient their very friendship is for you.

(ex. Target – “Thanks for doing that man. Hope he was a good boy for you.” You – “Yeah he was fine… I just wish I wouldn’t have had to miss my haircut appointment. I have no idea when I’ll be able to get in again now.)

Flawless Victory!!!

5. The Backhanded Compliment.

(My Personal Favorite)

(Simply Put, This Is a Direct Insult “Cleverly” Disguised As A Compliment. )


Here are just a few fun examples:

“I wish I could be more like you. I’m such a clean freak” Translation – You’re a slob and your house smells like soup.

“I’m always so impressed by your confidence. I could never wear those pants.” Translation – Those pants are stupid. You look stupid right now.

“You grow such a great beard, you should grow it back out.” Translation – You have a stupid face. You look like an infant.

“Man you look like the most interesting person alive on your Instagram!” Translation – You’re boring and your life is a lie.

“You’re such a strong person.” Translation – If my life turned out like yours has I would have completely fallen into a state of horrific, unbearable  and irreversible depression. 

“Hey Man! It’s been forever! You look so healthy!” Translation – You’re fat.


Intentionally make someone really mad, then ask them why they are getting so mad.

(Immediately doubles their anger level while making you look like the reasonable one )

7. Always be “just about to.” Never actually doing.

(verbal compliance+physical )

Agree to do things but delay completion at all cost. Always respond with “I’m just about to do it right now.” Bask in the increasing frustration level each time you are confronted until the glorious explosion of  mixed emotions that will inevitably lead to a complete psychological break drown.   

(This effect is simply caused by the fact that they asked you to do the task. This isn’t something you wanted or needed done. You agreed to do them a favor. Who are they to get mad at you for that? Even if it’s something important that, had you not agreed to do it, would have gotten done already by either your target themselves or a more reliable 3rd party.)

Now go forth young grasshopper. Show the world what you have learned. Be sure to pick up some Rhino Rush for the journey ahead.

How to be Legendary, without actually doing anything legendary.

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Okay, let’s face it.

None of us have time to run around actually becoming a legend the old school way. But that doesn’t mean you can’t be seen as one to those in your immediate presence. Follow these easy steps and you will know what it feels like to earn the title of “Legendary.”Even if it may be for just a moment or two.

1. Have 3 quotes that can be used in almost any problematic situation.

(this make you worldly, deep and insightful)

(Hint: These are best used in scenarios when you actually just want to walk away without seeming like a jerk. Here’s an example.)


-Friend – “I don’ know, I just feel so misunderstood these days. I could really use a good friend right now”

-You (wondering to yourself if you have any frozen burritos left at home)

-Friend – “Do you ever feel that way? Like the people around you just don’t try and connect with you anymore?”

-You (have concluded that you do have frozen burritos at home)

-Friend – “Are you listening to me? Why are you making that face?”

-You – “You know, sometimes you have to look through the rain to see the rainbow…” (walks away immediately, mere minutes away from molten hot deliciousness)

-Friend (Can only be reflecting on how profound you are. LEGENDARY!)

2. Be able to play 15 seconds of a song on any instrument.

(mysterious, talented and humble)



-Wait till there is a good sized group around.

-Casually pick up said instrument and observe as reminiscently.

-Hold it as if you could begin to play at any moment to build anticipation and audience.

-Play your 15 seconds impeccably and stop in you tracks. (It’s VERY important this appears you stopped on purpose. Not because you don’t know any more.)

-Smile at the instrument and set it down. NEVER BE SEEN TOUCHING IT AGAIN.

-End with saying to yourself but loud enough to be heard “That was another life.”

-Respond to any questions or requests to play again with “That’s not me any more” and walk away.


Always Have Gum

(trust me on this one)

4. Never tell anyone what you’re actually doing when you’re not with them.

(mysterious, important and possibly dangerous)


This one is simple. Just be as vague as possible at all cost.

“I’m taking care of some things. I’ll come by later if I have time”

Translation – I’m playing C.O.D. in my underwear for the next undetermined amount of time.

5. Have a few bits of random knowledge.

(intelligent with a deep understanding of the world)

(Hint: Most importantly, place yourself and others in situations in which you can RELEVANTLY deliver the information.)


The Setup:

Plan a trip out into the woods.

Offer to drive.

Only put enough gas in your car to get deep into the woods, far enough to be in a survival situation.

Once the starvation sets in, catch a fly.

Give the fly to a friend to eat.

And… here it is… tell everyone “A pound of flies actually contains more protein that a pound of beef”



Die in an AWESOME way.

(so you won’t be around to enjoy the glory but this one is sure fire)

7. Never stay in one place for very long.

(mysterious and important)

(Look, it won’t be long before you say or do something that will certainly compromise your legendary status from that moment on. Get out of any social scenario BEFORE this happens)  [refer to #4]