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Fine, Whatever.

We both know that you are already practicing passive aggression but it’s high time you stop simply practicing. Hone your skill and begin your journey of executing this delicate yet wildly effective art form. Follow these simple steps and you will join the ranks of the passive aggressive masters. Or do whatever you want, I don’t really care.

1. “Just Kidding.”

(the most powerful tool you have)

(If you learn nothing else from this remember these two words)

 

Simply put, you can insult anyone down to the very core of their existence and immediately follow it up with “Just Kidding” and boom you are off the hook. The damage is done and they will almost certainly spend the rest of the day questioning themselves and their very value to the world while you walk away scot-free and unscathed likely forgetting about the interaction almost immediately. 

2. Leave Notes.

 

Yes, we know this one seems cliche and obvious but that’s for good reason. This is the very foundation on which passive aggression is built.

The artistry in this skill lies within this. Only leave a note about a very small mistake or annoyance that could quite easily be corrected with a simple conversation of which you have plenty opportunities to initiate.

By leaving a note instead of talking you effectively turn a mole hill into a mountain. Here is the wonderful part, you are free of backlash because you’re not even there once the blow is delivered! Oh The Glory!!!!

3.

“Fine, Whatever”

(Jut say this. All of the time.)

4. Do favors for people but make them feel bad about it.

(takes some work but has a big pay out)

 

A two step process that is 100% worth it.

Step 1

Agree to do any favor for your intended target. Sometimes you will have to almost force yourself into the situation.

(ex. Target – “Man, I’m stressed out cause I have to take my dog to the groomers and I’m short on time today.” You – INSIST on taking the dog to the groomers cause you’re already going that way.)

Step 2

Find a way to make your target feel bad about how inconvenient that was for you thus reflecting how inconvenient their very friendship is for you.

(ex. Target – “Thanks for doing that man. Hope he was a good boy for you.” You – “Yeah he was fine… I just wish I wouldn’t have had to miss my haircut appointment. I have no idea when I’ll be able to get in again now.)

Flawless Victory!!!

5. The Backhanded Compliment.

(My Personal Favorite)

(Simply Put, This Is a Direct Insult “Cleverly” Disguised As A Compliment. )

 

Here are just a few fun examples:

“I wish I could be more like you. I’m such a clean freak” Translation – You’re a slob and your house smells like soup.

“I’m always so impressed by your confidence. I could never wear those pants.” Translation – Those pants are stupid. You look stupid right now.

“You grow such a great beard, you should grow it back out.” Translation – You have a stupid face. You look like an infant.

“Man you look like the most interesting person alive on your Instagram!” Translation – You’re boring and your life is a lie.

“You’re such a strong person.” Translation – If my life turned out like yours has I would have completely fallen into a state of horrific, unbearable  and irreversible depression. 

“Hey Man! It’s been forever! You look so healthy!” Translation – You’re fat.

6.

Intentionally make someone really mad, then ask them why they are getting so mad.

(Immediately doubles their anger level while making you look like the reasonable one )

7. Always be “just about to.” Never actually doing.

(verbal compliance+physical )

Agree to do things but delay completion at all cost. Always respond with “I’m just about to do it right now.” Bask in the increasing frustration level each time you are confronted until the glorious explosion of  mixed emotions that will inevitably lead to a complete psychological break drown.   

(This effect is simply caused by the fact that they asked you to do the task. This isn’t something you wanted or needed done. You agreed to do them a favor. Who are they to get mad at you for that? Even if it’s something important that, had you not agreed to do it, would have gotten done already by either your target themselves or a more reliable 3rd party.)

Now go forth young grasshopper. Show the world what you have learned. Be sure to pick up some Rhino Rush for the journey ahead.